1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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