The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
