Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
