a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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