I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
