I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
