how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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