Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
