I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
