Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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