I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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