if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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