I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize