dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
