I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Text me some of your sweat
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
