i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
