I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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