I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
