Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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