After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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