I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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