When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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