I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
