do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
