those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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