Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
