can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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