how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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