The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
