I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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