i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
