When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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