I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
