my phone needs a breathalizer
he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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