I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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