clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
