Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
