i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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