I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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