We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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