i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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