Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
