Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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