i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
