fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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