i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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