Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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