I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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