Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
40s are totally the cure
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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