My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
