Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
