just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
