Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
